(Not so quick) Adoption Story Recap

We felt God's call to begin a family through adoption in the fall of 2008. Our homestudy was finalized January 28, 2009 and Hannah was born January 30, 2009.
We decided to renew our homestudy when Hannah was one so our second homestudy was finalized February 28, 2010. We experienced our first adoption fall through of a biracial boy in March 2010 before the birth and adoption of Olivia in April 2010. Although it's worth clarifying that the birthmom still placed her son with another family, which always makes the failure hurt a little less.

Pretty easy stories and pretty awesome girls.

We decided when Olivia was about 18 months that we would try for baby #3, so our third homestudy was finalized end of September 2011.
This one year and seven months of waiting for baby #3 has been some of the most challenging, faith building, and tear filled times in our adoption journey.
Failed adoption 1: Biracial little boy born February 14, 2012. Maternal grandmother stepped in and forced daughter to parent.
Failed adoption 2: biracial little girl in April 2012. We were the adoptive couple then suddenly we weren't (she placed her baby with another family, again, so it hurt a little less).
Failed adoption 3: AA child of unknown gender. Matched in May 2012, provided some financial support, and on the advice of an attorney, we had to walk away in June.
Failed adoption 4: AA boy born September 5, 2012. Maternal father stepped in and refused to let adoption happen. He has since disappeared and mother and son are struggling to make ends meet.
Failed adoption 5: AA boy born December 22, 2012. Maternal grandmother stepped in with threats and stopped adoption, forcing mother to parent. Mother grieved for her son (I know, I was there at the hospital) and the fact that he will not have a stable life, she will always be on welfare and she knew she couldn't parent.
Failed adoption 6: Caucasian boy born March 29, 2013. That's the one you don't know about yet.

Before I move on, I must address some of my thoughts on adoption, which not everyone will agree with. So bear with me and if you disagree with something I say, well, too bad. Feel free to email me and we can talk.

Adoption is hard and I grieve every single time it needs to be an option in someone's life. A mother would never think about placing her baby with another family unless it's absolutely necessary.
It grieves me when I see an expectant mother change her mind, simply because I know the baby has a much better chance at life living in a two parent family and not on welfare. Have you seen the statistics of drug use, violent crime, jail time and suicide for kids that grow up with single moms? (Before I say much else, I am well aware of God's grace in each of our lives. I pray each of these little babies that are with their mom's will be under God's umbrella of grace.)

Adoption is also hard for the adoptees. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Matt and I have no idea the road our girls are going to travel to embrace their adoption stories. We pray it's not too bumpy, but there will be questions and there will be tears. We are not all, "be grateful, we saved you." It's more, "We are so grateful we have you because someone else doesn't and that must hurt you and your birthmom to no end."

It's hard for adoptive couples because many times it's the only way we get to build a family. For a couple like us who has always assumed we would have three or four kids, a grieving process takes place when it looks like that's not going to happen. We are so grateful and blessed with our two girls, and it feels selfish to say we would like more kids, but in the end, it's because we are so blessed with our girls that we would like more kids! Kids (while very difficult at times), are so stinkin' fun and hilarious and bring so much joy!

So when I talk about a failed adoption being hard, it's for many complex reasons, for the baby, for the mom, for our culture, for society and for our family.

On April 3rd, while we were in Florida, Matt received a voicemail from our adoption attorney. I had spoken with her last fall about a possible private adoption we were possibly going to undertake (a 6 month old biracial girl which I failed to name in our failed adoptions because it never really got to that point).
I had asked our attorney, Emily, if they do many private adoptions that have been matched through them, meaning not something Matt and I would work out with an expectant mom and bring to her, but where an expectant mom comes to her to find a couple. She said no. She has actually never done one like that (but she's done plenty of private adoptions). Does the distinction between the two make sense?
Emily told me to feel free to send her our profile, but not to think of her as an option.
That was in the fall. Not long after that we found out we were pregnant so I never sent our profile.
The second I heard the voicemail, I knew it was about an adoption.

Another side note, even though I am 12 short LONG weeks from delivering, we had already been talking about our plans (because now I suppose we need to have a birth control talk (what?) and so we have been debating on what to do next, child #4? Stop at 3? Adopt #4? Birth #4? Matt get snipped? Me use the pill (no way!)?).

So in light of needing to make some sort of decision in the next few months, I had been praying that the Lord would make it evident (I really don't want to take the pill again). I had started praying that our next adoption would be private. Selfishly I am tired of adoptions falling through. I am tired of the emotional rollar coaster with each new possible addition, and then it being taken away. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of being on lists. Having said that, if we are led in that direction after I birth this baby, I am on board 100%, I was just letting God know of my fragile emotional state (as if He didn't already know:)).

Emily told us of the baby boy born the previous Friday. The mom had picked us because Emily had shown our profile from 5 years ago (which I had completely forgotten we had given her). That profile did not include Hannah and Olivia so Emily told her that we actually had two kids. So she went ahead and picked another adoptive couple that didn't have kids because she wanted to bless a childless family (so sweet!).
Easter Sunday the baby boy started having multiple seizures. The adoptive couple googled it (never do that) and they decided they were not at the place to undertake the high possibility of a developmentally delayed/special needs child. They backed out. Birth mom took that as a sign that she should go with us. That's when Emily called us, no one knowing we are pregnant.
We told Emily we are 7 months pregnant, but before she could tell the birthmom we are pregnant, she needed us to make a decision whether we wanted to proceed because the birthmom had already had a tough time when original adoptive couple backed out and she didn't want to put birth mom through that again.
We googled febrile seizures (never do that) and it scared us to death. It's not good. Especially not right at birth.
But we prayed and envisioned our life with wheelchairs, multiple therapies and inconvenience. And we decided to proceed.
We asked for a phone consult with the neonatologist and told Emily to inform the mom I am pregnant in case she wanted to choose someone else. Emily seemed confident the birth mom loved us and we learned all about the situation, her family, the EKG's, the MRI's, the bradycardia, etc.
As I always do, I got excited. I really felt God leading us this direction and a new baby in our house always excites me.
Somewhere around Thursday or Friday (it's a blur now), we learned the baby was most likely perfectly healthy and the seizures were probably due to an infection. Then we learned that it probably wasn't seizures at all, but heartburn (not sure how those get confused). Well then, we thought we were going to be the parents of a healthy BOY! in the next few days. I got pretty darn excited.
Understandably, birth mom decided she did want to look at a couple more profiles. While she made it clear to Emily that she really loved our family, and she didn't care we were pregnant, she really wanted to find a childless couple to bless.
She found a couple she wanted to meet and she met with them this past Sunday.

Once again, we survived the emotional rollar coaster of a failed adoption. It was hard. For me, failed adoptions never get easier, even though I am pregnant. The hard part for me is why are we even presented with these babies if it never works out? Why go through this? What's the point?

The bright side is the baby is with a two parent family and that family got the call of a lifetime last week and I couldn't be happier for them. I know what that's like and it's pretty awesome.

I will always count hardships as the Lord's discipline in my life and I pray I don't let them go to waste. I pray with each situation I become a little more like Him.

That was interesting wasn't it?